Sexual Teasing to Spice Up Your Relationship

The ARt of Sexual Teasing

Cindy and Gerard have a good marriage—though it’s a bit dull. They love each other deeply and their commitment is strong; they make each other laugh and play well together; they have several shared interests as well as separate interests; and they support each other’s ambitions and dreams. Like many couples, they argue once in a while but seem to effectively resolve most of these conflicts.

So where is the dullness?

The dull aspect of their marriage involves sex. As Cindy described, “Our sex life is, I guess…well, it’s kind of ho-hum.” As these words slipped off her tongue, Cindy quickly added, “But it’s nice!”

At this point it was obvious that Cindy was back-pedaling out of concern that she had hurt her husband’s feelings. After all, how would you feel if your spouse’s/partner’s best descriptor for your sex life was “nice”? But there was no reason to protect Gerard, since he quickly agreed. He added, “Passionate love-making seems to be a thing of the past, though for a while it was hot and heavy. I’m not sure what changed since we both agreed we wouldn’t change anything about our relationship…”

And then they discovered the art of teasing and rediscovered passionate sex.

Spice Up the Bedroom through the Art of Sexual Teasing

Gerard and Cindy’s story isn’t a unique one. Many couples in long-term relationships report dips in passionate love-making. While they still have sex (though less frequently) and ultimately enjoy the experience, the sex as described by them is less intense, less fiery. So sex happens not out of an unrelenting desire to rip each other’s clothes off and explore one another’s bodies, but rather, it occurs when one or both of them feel a tinge of arousal.

And at other times, sex occurs not because of sexual desire at all, but rather, out of a conscious choice to feed this part of their relationship in order to reap the benefits that sex offers a couple (such as a deepening of emotional intimacy; the opportunity to express love through sexual and sensual pleasure).

When I asked the couple about what happens when one or both of them feel a “tinge” of sexual desire, they described that sex was often the result. Cindy shared, “We jump on the opportunity and have sex. I guess we don’t want to lose the opportunity.”

They seemed surprised by my next question:

Do you ever do things to fan the flames of sexual desire rather than rush to satisfy the urge to have sex?

Cindy and Gerard stared blankly, and their silence gave me the answer. “You mean hold off having sex?” Gerard asked. What followed was a plan to feed sexual desire rather than immediately satisfy its thirst.

Over the next week the couple agreed to the following teasing plan:

  • They wouldn’t have sex;
  • They would openly communicate and share with one another any feelings of desire or sexual arousal they were experiencing (for example, if Cindy said, “I’m a little horny today,” Gerard would respond with something like: “Good, I like it when you’re horny.”)
  • They would agree to provocatively touch each other at least once a day (again, without having sex);
  • Each would share something that really turns them on while apart from each other (for instance, they would text, email or leave a voice message of a fantasy they have or a particular sexual act or position they really enjoy or would like to try);
  • And after the week is up, they agree to have sex.

The Results of This Week-long Sexual Teasing Event?

“It was frustrating as hell, and she drove me crazy!” Clearly the teasing plan worked for Gerard, and the unintended finding was that what drove Cindy wild was the power she felt in turning her husband on. She described, “I felt I had so much control the more I turned Gerard on, and that got me so aroused, seeing him getting so worked up!”

The couple contacted me six months later to give me an update. Once a month or so, they’ve incorporated teasing into their sex life and it has led to more passionate sex.

You might have heard the expression, “Wanting is more desirable then having.” The psychology of teasing is built on this truism. When we want something we can’t have (or can’t immediately have), a psychological state of tension builds up—a tension that pushes for release. It turns out that every time Cindy and Gerard had sex after experiencing a “tinge” of desire, they were inadvertently and unknowingly short-circuiting sexual desire by satiating their sexual impulses and not allowing desire and arousal to build up enough.

Perhaps counter-intuitively, teasing awakens desire by poking at it. (Consider what happens when you poke a beehive.) It stirs sexual longing by the potential and anticipation of satisfaction. In short, sexual teasing creates a greater, more intense wanting of the other person. And this is what passion is all about!

Are you ready and willing to make teasing a part of your sexual life?

(Featured [top] image Sexy Woman in a Miniskirt and Stockings” by Michal Marcol/