Sexual Fantasy to Spice Up Your Sex Life

Sexual Fantasy

The ability to fantasize is a powerful psychological experience, transporting you from your current reality to the land of possibility. Freud theorized that when reality frustrates us in some way, the mind creates imagined alternatives to help us cope.

In this way, fantasy offers us a momentary escape, a psychic vacation that we can return to again and again.

The World of Sexual fantasy

During adolescence, sexual fantasies become more prominent to one’s inner world. The power of adolescent libidinal energy brings about romantic and erotic longings that send imaginations into overdrive.

Think back to your adolescence. You can probably recall a rich tapestry of romantic and sexual fantasies (i.e., crushes on teachers, musicians, and actors; a longing to date the cute guy/girl sitting next to you in earth science class, vividly picturing yourself kissing him or holding her hand).

And then there are our first sexual experiences (whether through masturbation or sexual experimentation with another). Often, these sexual milestones reveal the first glimmerings of what appeals to us sexually. Connecting with our sexual-self in this way allows our sexual yearnings to come more clearly into focus. The greater the clarity, the greater the possibility of sexual fulfillment.

Using a sexual fantasy life to enrich and spice up your sex life

A careful analysis of our sexual fantasy life shows that there are certain erotic themes that run through our fantasies. Themes that we find sexually arousing. This was the case for Gary, a forty-two-year-old married man who came to therapy for problems maintaining an erection during sex with his wife Laura. After receiving a clean bill of health from his doctor, Gary contacted me for individual therapy.

Gary adores his wife, and the couple shares many common interests. There were no indications that his sexual troubles resulted from more pervasive marital problems. As we explored Gary’s sexual history, what became apparent is that he has a very rich sexual fantasy life — a life that Laura isn’t given access to.

“I remember my college girlfriend telling me she liked me to be a little more rough during sex. At first I was surprised, but when I showed more dominance in bed, she loved it and I had such intense orgasms. It was like I was on fire sexually and we ended up having a great sex life. Then I remember the girlfriend I had a few years after that who didn’t like it when I was rough in bed. Actually, she was shocked and broke up with me over it. I felt so bad about this and of course I put the brakes on it. This part of me went underground and I’ve never been this way with Laura. I’m too afraid of how she would react if I told her I wanted to be more alpha and have her be more submissive…”

Gary’s sexual fantasies center around dominance and controlled aggression, themes that are powerful aphrodisiacs for him. It was the invitation from his college girlfriend to be more sexually assertive that allowed Gary to discover this part of his sexuality. And as this part of him wasn’t allowed access into his subsequent relationships, Gary became increasingly frustrated sexually and he relied more and more on sexual fantasy to arouse his desire. He longed to bring this part of himself into his marriage, despite his fear of rejection (even though Laura gave no indication that she would judge him).

Gary couldn’t deny the power of what turned him on sexually. But as long as he kept this part of himself out of his marriage, the intensity of his sexual desire and ability to perform would remain muted. Gary needed to figure out if he could introduce his sexual fantasy life into his relationship with his wife in ways that would work for both of them. And he suspected that Laura would be accepting of him as long as there was a spirit of play in their sexual experimentation.

Sex Fantasy Themes

As already discussed, sexual fantasies often have clear themes to them. Some common themes include, but are not limited to:

⇒Power dynamics (assertion, submission, control);
⇒Romantic themes (sex as an extension of being romanced/seduced);
⇒Surprise/Spontaneity (not expecting sex or some type of sexual experience);
⇒Stranger/First time (pretending to have just met and becoming sexually ravenous with each other);
⇒Idealization/Devaluation;
⇒Blurring gender lines through clothing and/or accessories;
⇒Voyeurism/Exhibitionism;
⇒Spanking/Role-playing discipline.

You may want to keep your fantasies right where they are, in the recesses of your mind, without ever trying to bring them into the fabric of your relationship. But if the stirrings of sexual desire center mainly around your fantasy life rather than the dynamics between you and your partner, it will be important to assess why this might be the case.

The more Gary kept his sexual fantasies a secret from Laura, the more trouble he had performing sexually. He made the decision to speak with her in an attempt to incorporate themes of dominance-submission into their sex life. He was tired of hurting Laura by not being able to have sex with her; she missed the intimacy of having intercourse with her husband.

And much to Gary’s relief, the outcome of these discussions went well. Laura was open to slowly bringing elements of his sexual fantasies into the bedroom. She loved and trusted her husband and because of this, she was willing to push the boundaries of their love-making. But she needed to proceed slowly at first, and she needed Gary to be open to feedback about what worked for her and what didn’t. In short, ongoing communication about sex would be essential to this new journey.

Some couples openly share their sexual fantasies, handing over the deepest, most vulnerable parts of themselves to each other. For others, sex fantasies remain taboo or off-limits, and as a result, one or both partners may have a rich fantasy life that the other never has access to. When these parallel fantasy worlds never intersect, sexual intimacy and fulfillment may suffer.

We need to find out how to use our sexual fantasies in ways that feel safe and acceptable to our partner. There is no one-size-fits-all formula for doing so. But it starts with becoming attuned to the depths of your own fantasy life and then openly communicating so that you can co-create a fulfilling sex life with one another.

Spice Up Your Sex Life Resource

Don’t forget to check out my passion, sex and intimacy book, How to Spice Up Your Marriage and Seduction for Couples bonus special! 

Wishing you and your relationship all the best!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

(Featured image courtesy of Vlado at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)