Passionate Love-Making: Are You Being Realistic?

Passionate Love-Making

When couples complain about their sex lives, they are either frustrated with the frequency (too little sex, or in some cases, one partner complains that the other wants it all the time), or the quality of sex is lacking (the sex feels lifeless, mechanical or overly predictable). For the couples who come to see me, the sexual passion has waned, but so has the overall energy of passion that used to draw the couple together on different levels.

It’s no surprise that passionate love-making dwindles as a relationship matures and the demands and stresses of life infiltrate the orbit of the relationship. This doesn’t mean, however, that couples must settle for a passionless or sexless marriage or relationship. But it is important that you and your partner approach this issue in a realistic manner.

Passionate Love-Making: What Are You Seeking Exactly?

It’s important to note that there are many couples who report satisfying sex lives without the peak experiences of sexual intensity. For these couples their sexual relationship has always been a steady, slow-paced jog that ultimately gets them to their desired destination. For others, a heightened sexual intensity was a part of the relationship that may have slowly faded, and now the couple nostalgically looks back and wonders if they will ever get those lost sexual fires back.

In either case, sex shouldn’t be boring, and your attempts to create a fulfilling sex life shouldn’t feel like painful drudgery. But for the many couples who yearn for the greater passion that once existed in their relationship, it’s important to be realistic about what you are seeking. Intense sexual passion cannot be sustained continuously once the initial infatuation phase of your relationship subsides. And it’s fair to say that many types of peak experiences (creative, spiritual, athletic/physical, as well as sexual/intimate) do not last indefinitely but rather vacillate along a continuum of highs and lows and everything in between.

The experience of passionate love-making is very subjective: One person’s passion is another’s mediocrity; what can feel sexually exciting to you may generate anxiety and discomfort in your partner. For one couple I worked with, the husband desired greater sexual intensity through sexual risk-taking (semi-public sex) whereas his wife’s experience of passionate love-making involved feeling deeply connected with her husband during the act of sex (looking into each other’s eyes, slow and sensual foreplay, all occurring in the safety of their bedroom).

It’s therefore important to define what you and your spouse/partner mean when you think of passionate sex. This is a conversation more couples need to have. And once you have a clearer picture of what passionate love-making would mean to each of you, it’s important to also discuss if this is indeed something you both want.

What Are Your Pathways to Passionate Love-Making?

Above I mentioned one husband’s desire to have risky semi-public sex in order to ramp up sexual passion (he wanted to have sex with his wife in their car). Another couple achieved enhanced sexual intensity through teasing each other throughout the day and denying each other sexual release until the next day.

What this points to is that each person has their own unique way of experiencing greater sexual desire and passion. This is where your sexual imagination comes into play:

  • How would you like your spouse/partner to turn you on?
  • What can s/he do that would drive you wild sexually?
  • Do you know how to tease each other sexually in order to fan the embers of sexual desire and passion?
  • Would you have less frequent sex if it meant more passionate love-making? (Considering that each time you have sex it may not involve sexual sparks)

Remember, it’s important to be realistic about passionate sex. To view ongoing sexual intensity as the pinnacle of a healthy sex life is a set-up for frustration and potential conflict with your partner. Passionate love-making can be reached for and realized on occasion, but this will probably be interspersed with less passionate sexual experiences, experiences that can still be mutually meaningful and enjoyable. If you are seeking ways to spice up your marriage or relationship, discussing the questions listed above with your partner can be a good starting point.

If you’d like to discover a variety of ways to enhance sexual desire and passion in your relationship, you can also check out my How To Spice Up Your Marriage guide for couples.

Until next time,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

(Featured [top] image  “Affectionate Husband” by Imagery Majestic/