Overcoming 3 Hurdles for Better Sex

Better Sex

When a relationship is new, the invitation for sex frequently comes in the form of flirtation and/or seduction. An innocent touch quickly travels toward a more erotically-charged touch, and before you know it, the couple is off to the races. Perhaps playful flirtation, a coquettish smile or a sexually provocative choice of words are used to stir sexual desire in one another.

It is true that for many new couples, the potential for sexual play is a step away, ready and waiting just around the corner. For those of us in long-term relationships or marriages, the distance from a nonsexual state of mind to sexual arousal is greater and often studded with potholes or roadblocks.

It is the nonsexual-to-sexual gap that long-term couples need to learn how to traverse.

Sexual seduction is an effective way to create the momentum needed to traverse the nonsexual-sexual gap. Couples often fail to see the link between wanting better sex and using sexual seduction as a means to getting there.

3 Hurdles to Better Sex and Sexual Seduction

1) Not Seeing/Experiencing Yourself as a Sexual Being

There are different reasons why this might occur, such as feeling “too old” to flirt or act seductively or because competing priorities block the connection to your own erotic energies. If you do not put gas in your car, it’s not going anywhere and, similarly, if you do not connect to Eros (the fuel of seduction and erotic expression), seduction and the sexual arousal it stirs will not occur.

Forgetting that you and your partner are sexual beings is a significant relationship problem that spells disaster for sexual intimacy (as well as the goal of having better sex). There will be times and phases of your marriage or relationship when sex won’t be prioritized and therefore goes underground, but just because sex goes dormant doesn’t mean it should be permanently laid to rest. It may simply need to be dusted off at some point and given renewed attention. Understanding these marital and relationship rhythms can go a long way to keeping the possibility of sex alive.

2) Fear of Risk-Taking

Imagine that you’re sitting on the couch with your partner and your favorite TV show is just about to end. You gently remove your hand from his and place it on his thigh and slowly start massaging his leg. Then you gently brush your hand over his genitals and before you go back to rubbing his thigh, he turns to you and says, “What are you doing? I’m tired and I had a really long day.”

Attempts to turn on your spouse or partner that go nowhere or that are outright rejected are, to say the least, painful. It’s humiliating to put yourself out there and try to seduce your spouse or partner only to be ignored or told “no way.” It’s important to understand the emotional risks involved (and discuss this with your partner), but it’s just as important to not let your fear of rejection prevent the playful and seductive energy needed to awaken sexual desire.

3) Failing to Surrender to the Pull of Sexual Desire and Arousal

To feel sexually turned-on is to allow an experience to move through you: it’s a change not only in your body but also a change in your self-experience. It’s as if a new self emerges, a different version of yourself. For this to occur, there must be a letting go, a surrendering to desire and a giving in to what is trying to radiate through you. When the waves of sexual energy are blocked or controlled, sex will remain merely an activity rather than a self-altering full body/mind experience.

To feel seductive is to let go and to become overcome by desire; to be seduced is to let go and allow the seductive powers and influence of your partner to alter you. You must let go of your non-sexual self in order to make room for your sexual-self to emerge.

Married couples and couples in non-marital, committed relationships too frequently view sex as an activity to be done or not done. This “on/off” viewpoint fails to take into account the transition required to go from a non-sexual state of being to being sexually turned-on. This transitional space, the gap that separates non-arousal and sexual arousal, is a vital space that needs attending. You don’t get there by asking, “You want to have sex?” or “Hey babe, you in the mood?”

You get there by helping each other shift, by slowly heating the waters of erotic desire. One way to shift the non-sexual state of mind to a sexual wanting is through sexual seduction, no matter how long you’ve been together and no matter how well you think you know your spouse/partner.

Until next time,

Dr. Rich Nicastro

(Featured [top] image  “Couple Sipping Red Wine” by Photostock/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)