Men and Sex: 3 Mistakes Guys Make in the Bedroom

Men and Sex

Great lovers are sensitive lovers. They are open and receptive to different levels of feedback (verbal and non-verbal) from their partners about what is and isn’t working sexually. And then, most importantly, they adjust accordingly. We’d all like to consider ourselves astute lovers who drive our partners wild with sexual desire, but the reality is many of us may fall short of this ideal.

Typically guys make several mistakes in the bedroom that may arise from at least two sources: You repeat sexual techniques and moves you’ve picked up from watching porn; and/or you use yourself (what you like sexually; what you find sexual arousing) as the prototype of what your spouse/partner must like. Or, these sexual mishaps may just be the result of a lack of knowledge and understanding about what their spouse/partner needs sexually.

When it comes to rewarding sex, information about each other’s sexual needs and preferences is vital. Let’s turn our attention to a few common mistakes men make in the bedroom.

Men and Sex: 3 Sexual Mistakes Men Make

1) The Sprint

“I need more than two minutes of foreplay before having sex. I don’t know why my partner doesn’t get this. I have to repeatedly ask him to slow down, and this is starting to make me feel like I’m doing something wrong. But many of my girlfriends have similar complaints about men.” ~ Juanita, 37 years old

Think of foreplay as a type of sexual warming up. Athletes warm up, musicians and singers warm up, as do dancers, etc. A warm-up period prepares our bodies and minds for a change in activity that is about to occur. It prepares and readies us. And sexual foreplay is no different, acting as a transitional experience that creates a bridge allowing us to cross from our normal state of being into a more excited, sexually readied state.

Some people require a longer warm-up period, while others require very little. Too many men fail to nurture the foreplay experience because they are quickly aroused and ready to go. But rather than slow down and wait for the partner who requires more foreplay, too many men sprint ahead sexually, in essence ignoring the sexual needs of the other. This leaves the partner who desires or needs more extended foreplay feeling unseen and sexually unsatisfied.

If this pattern exists in your marriage/relationship, you shouldn’t feel surprised when the partner who feels ignored isn’t jumping through hoops to have sex again.

2) No Meeting of the Minds

“Sex is such a mental experience for me. First and foremost, I need my husband to seduce my mind and then my body will follow.” ~Emma, 65 years old

“For women, the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.” Isabel Allende, Of Love and Shadows

Sex is a multi-dimensional experience that encompasses the emotional, physical, psychological and, for some, the spiritual. While it may be rare to achieve complete harmony across all these dimensions, I often hear complaints from wives and girlfriends that their sexual partners too often over-emphasize sexual technique (the physical act) at the expense of the psychological/emotional components of sex.

To correct this imbalance, you should discover the words and actions that truly touch your partner—the ones that make her feel emotionally seen and cared for and sexually desired. And then the goal is to make this information an integral part of your sex life.

3) Uncomfortably Numb

“I had to take his hand more than once to show him how to gently stimulate my clitoris. It was like he was plucking a banjo string. I got totally numb and couldn’t feel anything. I like it a little rough now and then, but not like that…” ~Terri, 28 years old

This mistake is about sexual technique gone wrong. Terri’s complaint isn’t an unusual one. Too many men fail to realize that certain erogenous zones are very sensitive, and in these cases, less is more (please repeat this to yourself until it really sets in: less is more!). If your partner likes more vigorous stimulation, invite her to ask for it. But don’t automatically assume that the same level of friction you need to get aroused and have an orgasm is the same level that she needs.

A good rule of thumb for great sex is to ask what is and isn’t working for your partner, and then change course based upon this feedback.

In order to use this information, guys need to put wounded egos aside and be open to the feedback wives and partners give them. This can be difficult, especially if we misinterpret appropriate feedback and end up hearing that we are somehow inadequate lovers who cannot please our partner. This will just lead to defensive anger, and all communication is lost at that point. Remember, sexual feedback should be considered a natural and central aspect of love-making (no matter how good you might think you are as a lover!).

(Featured [top] image End of a Young Couple” by Marin/