How to Seduce Your Wife (and Husband)

How To Seduce Your Wife

Sometimes guys get a bad rap when it comes to sex. But in the case of Evan, this bad rap was well deserved.

One of the male-centric accusations I often hear is that men are indiscriminate when it comes to their sexual tastes—in short, if given the opportunity, we’d basically sleep with just about anyone. On more than one occasion a wife or girlfriend has turned to me during a couples counseling session and said something like:

“All he thinks about is sex…Guys are such pigs. You all think with your genitals instead of your brains.”

Such generalizations and criticisms are biased (and annoying). But here I was being thrown into the mix with all those overly libidinous, sexually indiscriminate men by Lacy, a woman who had just met me. It would have been easy to counter her opinion by mentioning the dangers of overgeneralizing in this way and then I could have pointed out the many exceptions that exist about men and sex. But rather than get defensive, I asked what gave Lacy this impression, especially about her own husband who has remained faithful to her and whom she trusted explicitly.

Wanting Sex Versus Desiring Your Partner

As Lacy described her relationship struggles, she painted a marital picture of prolonged frustration and emotional pain over not feeling wanted or desired by her husband. She felt interchangeable, objectified, a warm body her husband Evan would sexually use on occasion rather than feeling like a unique individual who possessed qualities her husband was drawn to. Early on in their marriage it started to feel like he just wanted sex rather than wanting sex with her.

There are several reasons why this occurred in Lacy’s marriage. Her husband would frequently make comments about having a high sex drive and needing frequent sex, so whenever he approached Lacy, he would make comments like:

“I’ve been really horny and I need to have sex”;

“It’s been a while, do you want to have sex?”

What was missing from Evan’s approach to initiating sex was a focus on Lacy. His message omitted that he desired Lacy—he never communicated that he felt so turned on by her that he had to have her sexually. This is an important distinction that Lacy highlighted. If you constantly receive the message that your spouse/partner has a high sex drive (a drive that exists totally independent from you), then sex can start to feel like a mechanical act devoid of meaningful intimacy. In fact, Lacy described feeling like sex had become a chore in which her job was to satiate her husband’s libido rather than an act that brought them a deeper sense of emotional connection.

This, of course, doesn’t mean that sex should or will never involve satisfying each other’s physical hunger for sexual release. The fact is that some people have very strong libidos and they bring their high sex drive into the relationship before they even know the other fully. In these instances, their need for sex isn’t exclusive to their spouse/partner. However, as you get to know your partner at a deeper level, your sexual desires will be stirred by this particular person; s/he will be the one who turns you on, teases you, awakens your desire and entices you to have sex. In short, your sexual desires will hopefully become entwined with your partner and therefore, your sexual energies will make her/him feel special and desired rather than feel like an indiscriminate vessel for sexual release.

How to Seduce Your Wife (and why you should be seducing your wife)

After Lacy clarified her position I turned to Evan and asked, “According to your wife, you don’t have trouble asking for sex. But when was the last time you seduced her? When was the last time you turned her on and made her want sex rather than ask her to have sex because you were sexually ready?”

Evan seemed baffled and remained silent for a considerable period of time before he finally spoke. “I guess I never thought of it like that, that I needed to seduce my wife. Honestly, I wouldn’t know how to seduce Lacy. I just assumed she either wanted sex or she didn’t.”

Evan’s honesty in this moment was an important turning point in their marriage. And when he turned to me and asked, “How do I seduce my wife?” I told him he was asking the wrong person. He needed to ask Lacy; he needed to discover her sexual likes and dislikes; what things made her anticipate and yearn for sex; as well as having a clear picture of what shuts her down sexually.

Seduction is an important part of our sexuality and unfortunately, this often gets abandoned in committed, long-term relationships. And when couples try to turn each other on, they too frequently do so in a formulaic manner rather than using their knowledge of each other to inform their seduction. At this point, Lacy turned to Evan and said:

“I’ll tell you this much. For me the seduction happens outside the bedroom. It’s a huge turn-on for me to feel that I’m special to you, that you are interested in me on different levels. When you’re passionate for me as a person, then my sexual passion explodes…”

At this point I took out an index card and wrote the following for Evan:

  • Making your wife feel special throughout the day equals seduction—NEVER forget this important piece of information if you want a rich and satisfying sex life.

Now if I had an index card to give to you, it would say:

  • If you are uncertain about your wife’s (and partner’s) turn-ons, ask them and be genuinely open to what theyHow to seduce your wife share. Then use this information as part of the foreplay and buildup to greater sexual passion.

For more information on how to seduce your partner/spouse, check out my Seduction for Couples Special Bonus Offer.

Until next time!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

(Featured [top] image  “Trendy Female” by Stockimages/