How To Seduce Your Man

How to Seduce Your Man

Let’s be honest: some people just seem to naturally exude sex appeal and seductiveness. And then there are the rest of us who have to work on being seductive. The good news is, with intention, effort, and some understanding of the erotic mind, you can make seduction an ongoing part of your relationship or marriage.

The art of seduction shouldn’t be lost on couples in long-term relationships or marriages. But it often is—like a vise grip that won’t release, the stress, repetitiveness and mundaneness of domestic life have the potential to squeeze the libidinal energy out of the best of relationships. But this is only part of the picture of why passion and sensuality fade.

The other has to do with an attitude that doesn’t support Eros—an attitude that some couples end up adopting along their relationship journey.

Reclaiming Eros from the Ashes of Domestic Life

“We’re so comfortable with each other. It’s really nice. We don’t have to pretend to be someone we’re not. And if one of us wants sex, I guess we just ask for it. Not the most romantic approach, and often the other isn’t in the mood, but that’s OK too. I have my vibrator and he has his hand [laughing], so we take care of our own sexual needs. We probably do that more than actually having sex. I’m not sure how much he masturbates, but I probably average about three times a week.” ~Shannon, married almost 20 years

Comfort and familiarity are important aspects of a long-term relationship. To let go and be yourself with someone you love and trust is a truly gratifying experience. But when comfort prevents couples from “shaking things up” a little in the bedroom (and outside the bedroom), the comfortably familiar comes at a cost to eroticism. To quote Pink Floyd:

The child is grown
The dream is gone
I have become comfortably numb.

Couples in long-term relationships need seduction, they need to break through the erotic and sexual numbness inherent to years of predictability and routinized sex (not that all couples who have been together for extended periods of time have this complaint). The potential pitfall of marital/relational familiarity is complacency, and to be complacent is, at some level, to be comfortably numb.

How to Seduce Your Man Sexually: 4 Elements of Seduction

Seduction is both a state of mind and a behavior. Learning how to seduce your man begins with you (the seducer) feeling sexy, with you connecting to and learning to be comfortable with your own sexual energies. This is the place to launch from as you turn your seductive attention to your husband or partner or boyfriend. And an important part of connecting to and owning your sexual energy involves claiming your power—the power inherent to seduction.

Each of the suggestions below involve the use of power—your sexual power. The power to influence your partner, to transport him into the realm of sexual arousal.

1) Tease Him!

“The idea of waiting for something makes it more exciting.” ~Andy Warhol

Teasing is an important part of seduction because it creates a psychological state of anticipation—of realizing that something desired is going to happen, but not immediately. One wife (Jen) who was troubled by the lack of sex in her marriage, used the power of teasing to revamp the couple’s sex life. One day, while heading out the door for work, she told her husband Javier that she had “the most amazing sex dream of my entire life last night.”

Before long, Jen started receiving texts from Javier asking about her dream. In this example, Jen gave just a little in order to awaken her husband’s curiosity. She also indirectly sent the message, “While we haven’t been having sex, I’m still a sexual woman; this part of me isn’t going away.”

2) Deny Him!

“Hate to sound sleazy, but tease me, I don’t want it if it’s that easy.” ~Tupac Shakur

Teasing involves withholding something, giving a little, a game of show-and-tell that slowly unfolds. In the example above, Jen gave a little (informing Javier she had a sex dream) while also withholding by not sharing the specifics of the dream.

And when her husband texted her later that day asking for details, Jen kept the game of teasing alive by replying, “No, I’m not ready to tell you, at least not in the way you want me to tell you.” He then immediately replied in somewhat of a pleading way. She was surprised and turned on by how powerful she felt in that moment. She then responded more than an hour later, “Tonight I’ll demonstrate part of the dream to you, but you have to let me know why you want to hear about it so badly.” (Note how she was using her power more overtly there, sending the message: I have something you want, but you’ll have to give me something I want in order to get it.) This seemed to awaken Javier’s desire further because he kept the volley of texts going throughout the day.

3) Surprise Him!

“Be naughty–save Santa a trip.” ~ Anonymous

In order to surprise your man, you need to somehow be different from the person he knows you to be. This involves changing the relationship and erotic dance you both have grown familiar with. If he perceives you as being somewhat predictable, become a little unpredictable. If he sees you as controlling, hand him the metaphoric reins for a bit. In short, do something different and see how he responds.

Jen shocked Javier, a shock that made Jen more interesting to him. It turns out that Jen rarely talks in a sexually bold manner, but as she left the house that day, the last words Javier heard from her were, “Who knew I liked rough sex? Wow, that was hot. Oh, and by the way, I’m taking my vibrator with me, just in case…”

4) Know Him!

“To understand involves the intellect, but to be understanding involves the heart.” ~Jarod Kintz

This may seem like a no-brainer, but the truth is, many couples fail to communicate openly about their sexual needs, desires and fantasies. I’ve worked with many couples who withhold parts of their sexual-selves out of a fear of rejection, a fear of being on the receiving end of humiliating criticism.

This is because we are most vulnerable, most exposed, and therefore most acutely “seen” when we share ourselves in this way. And while seduction will involve some trial and error, its power comes when your seduction approach lines up in some way with your partner’s core erotic longings. It turns out that Javier got turned on by Jen’s erotic brazenness. And once she discovered what lit him up sexually, she continued to use the above elements of seduction (tease him; deny him; surprise him) to ignite the sexual charge of their relationship.

Couples in new relationships know how to seduce one another (from teenagers to couples in their 70s and 80s). Seduction isn’t age-specific, it’s attitude-specific. Seduction isn’t tied to the shape and size of your body. Seduction involves a way of being, a playful energy with mixtures of eroticism, sensuality and daring thrown in. Are you ready to use these elements to seduce your man?

If you are interested in learning more about seduction and practical steps to creating a more sexually satisfying relationship, check out my Intimacy Guide for couples.

(Featured [top] image  “Female Legs in Open Door” by Ambro/