How to Seduce Your Husband: One Husband’s Perspective

How To Seduce Your Husband

Daniel and Elizabeth have been married for about four years, while they’ve known each other for a total of eight years. Throughout the ups and downs of their marriage, the couple reports that they always had a “good sexual relationship,” but a pattern has set in that concerns Elizabeth. Daniel rarely initiates sex, though whenever they do have sex, he seems to enjoy the experience. She has communicated her frustration about this pattern and Daniel said that he understands, but despite his reassurances, little change has occurred over a two-year period.

As Elizabeth described, “It makes me feel like he doesn’t desire me, and because I’ve always been a very sexual person, this really impacts me. It hurts not to feel sexually wanted by the man you love, by the man you want to want you.”

Then Elizabeth did something that got her husband’s attention and got him very sexually aroused; he was so turned on he had difficulty focusing throughout the rest of his day at work. What was such a turn-on for Daniel? I’ll let him describe:

“I guess she gave me an ultimatum of sorts. She wasn’t being mean about it. Actually, there was something very erotic about it. Liz sent me a series of texts that were very explicit about what she needed sexually. I’ve always known that she is a very sensual and sexual person, but seeing this in writing turned me on so much. That isn’t like her to be so explicit, it was kind of shocking. She said that she wants me and no one else to meet her needs, but that if I don’t step up I should realize that her sexual desires aren’t going to vanish. Then she asked me, ‘What would you do if you had a raging libido and your partner repeatedly refused to attend to your sexual needs?’”

Elizabeth concluded her string of texts with a plea, asking her husband to meet her sexual desires, to make her feel desirable so that she doesn’t become vulnerable to looking outside the marriage to get her needs met.

How to Seduce Your Husband

I got turned on when she became a little unrecognizable to me…” ~Daniel

The most arousing aspect of what his wife communicated to Daniel went beyond the explicit details Elizabeth wrote about; according to Daniel, he became turned on because of the provocative, shock-impact the messages had on him. As Daniel described, Elizabeth momentarily became unrecognizable to him. He actually thought to himself, “Who is this person?” While this experience can be somewhat disorienting and anxiety-producing (especially if we feel the security of the relationship is somehow threatened by what our partner is doing), for some people, like Daniel, a little dash of unpredictability can also be highly arousing.

Daniel’s libido received a powerful boost when his wife became more provocative—she moved out of the familiar/known rhythm of their relationship dance and pushed up against the boundaries that have come to define their relationship. By its very definition, being provocative means pushing the envelope—in this case, the sexual envelope. Elizabeth informed her husband that security isn’t a given, that his actions and inactions influence this security and that it isn’t reasonable to expect total commitment and exclusivity while he repeatedly fails to address the issues that are central to her happiness and sexual fulfillment.

In short, Elizabeth drew a line in the sand by stating that she is a highly sexual person and it is her husband’s responsibility to try to meet her sexual needs. “Either step up to the plate or else we need to have a serious talk about our arrangement of sexual exclusivity.” This clearly got Daniel’s attention.

Is Being Sexually Provocative a Turn-On for You and Your Partner?

The very notion that you are being sexually provocative implies that the edges of some boundary are being pushed against—the familiar that you and your partner lean into for comfort is being poked at, prodded and possibly stretched into a new shape. Ideally, this provocative dance will occur out of shared consensus and understanding of what is needed to fan the flames of sexual desire and passionate sex. In the example of Elizabeth and Daniel, her provocative stance came more out of a sense of desperation—a desperation that had been mounting for almost two years through failed communication attempts to get her husband to be responsive to her sexual needs.

It’s easy to make the argument that it is unfortunate Elizabeth’s requests finally made a difference only after Daniel became sexually aroused by his wife’s approach. But the lesson in what played out in their relationship can be applied to other relationships.

Many of the routines that couples fall into (out of necessity; out of habit; out of complacency) give stability to our lives. There is comfort in sameness: it grounds us emotionally; it allows us to feel safe with one another; and it helps us take risks and become more vulnerable with each other (two prerequisites for emotional and sexual intimacy).

How to Turn on Your Spouse/Partner Action Step:

It’s important to note that no one is suggesting that routine and predictability be abandoned for whimsy or replaced with overwhelming change in your relationship. But, like Daniel, the question to ask yourself is: Would your sex life benefit from some type of change?

Here are a few other questions to consider:

  • Do you feel there is room in your sex life for some level of playful, sexual provocativeness?
  • Are you and your partner clear about one another’s sexual limits (the non-negotiables) while also knowing the boundary’s edges that can be pushed against for more sexual excitement?
  • In addition to your sexual routines, is surprise ever a part of your love-making?
  • How can you hold on to the familiar that makes you feel emotionally secure with one another while becoming a little less predictable?