Communication E-Book Guide

Communication Breakthrough: A Couples Communication Guide  

“To feel sexual I need to feel connected to my husband. When I feel loved and understood by him outside the bedroom first, I want to share myself with him sexually. Those two aspects of our relationship are linked for me in a powerful way.” ~ Rebecca, married ten years

Communication BreakthroughRebecca isn’t alone in needing to feel emotionally connected to her partner before she feels sexual. And the bridge that connects the emotional and sexual aspects of a union is communication…open, honest, safe communication.

There’s no way around it—good communications skills are crucial to the health of your relationship…

Couples who have a fulfilling sex life know how to communicate both in and out of the bedroom. These couples have found ways to openly communicate about their deepest desires and fears; they’ve created an atmosphere of emotional safety that rests upon communication strategies tailored to each other’s needs and rhythms.

 

How would you and your partner answer the following questions:

 How emotionally connected do you each feel to your spouse/partner?

 Do you feel deeply understood by one another?

 Do you reach out to each other and expect loving responsiveness?

 

These and other questions are important in order to get the big picture of your relationship.

And usually a picture starts to emerge of two people who struggle with numerous communication barriers that have left them feeling distant and misunderstood. At some level they don’t feel safe enough to let down their guard. They expect criticism instead of acceptance, frustration and tension instead of understanding and harmony.

“Often we have sex because we tell ourselves we should be having sex since we’re married. It’s pleasurable when it happens, but it usually starts off as a task to check off in our list of priorities… I just don’t feel like we ‘get’ each other anymore. And that shows up in our sexual attitudes toward each other. When it comes to sex, sometimes I wonder if we could just ‘take it or leave it’ altogether. I’ll admit it: that scares me a bit.”  ~John, married almost twenty-two years

Couples are under a great deal of pressure today. The couples who come to see me feel overwhelmed by stress. Competing priorities and the demands of life have edged out opportunities for real intimacy. Many describe living parallel lives with their partner, while others just don’t feel like there is enough time in the day to attend to their own emotional and sexual needs. Disconnection has become the norm. And when emotional intimacy is compromised in this way, sexual intimacy suffers.

In committed relationships, emotional and sexual intimacy are inextricably linked.

And for many people, emotional intimacy needs to be securely in place for meaningful, satisfying sexual expression to occur.

 

Communication skills are vital to the health of your relationship

 Learning how to identify and communicate your emotional needs is the first step toward mutual fulfillment, one of the hallmarks of a rewarding relationship.

A breakdown in communication may occur because you aren’t effectively communicating what you actually need from your partner, or it may be the result of your spouse/partner failing to tune in to your needs after you’ve expressed them.

 When your core needs for validation, understanding and connection go unfulfilled for extended periods of time, the negative fallout can be devastating. And this fallout is preventable.

Think about the last time you connected deeply with your partner. In these moments there is an emotional resonance, like you are both tuned in to each other’s emotional frequency. There is a sense of knowing each other (and feeling known by the other) that feeds us. The more couples can learn to reach out and discover each other at this level, and the more couples learn how to make this type of connection the norm and not the exception, the more this will naturally transfer into their sex lives.

“I don’t feel listened to in our day-to-day life, so it’s no surprise that I don’t feel metaphorically ‘listened to’ when it comes to sex. I feel like I’m in a cycle I can’t find my way out of.”  ~Linda, with her partner for five years

At its core, sex is a form of communication— an expression of who we are, expressed through the language of the erotic. In these moments of expression, our bodies take center stage and therefore our greatest vulnerabilities and hang-ups are also on display. This level of vulnerability makes communication a central part of a couple’s sex life.

And you don’t need me to tell you that when you are feeling vulnerable, you are at greater risk for being wounded.

However, to be in an intimate relationship means making yourself vulnerable as you share yourself with your partner. Remove the vulnerability and you remove a big part of yourself from the relationship. To share what you desire sexually and not feel heard by your partner (or worse, to feel repeatedly ignored or judged by him/her), can lead to a deep sense of betrayal. And that’s why a foundation of healthy communication is so important.

The emotional injuries that do not get properly worked through (via good communication skills) can have a lasting effect – I’ve seen firsthand how these emotional injuries can lead to deep wounds and lingering resentments. Your relationship means too much to you to let it be diminished by the perils of poor communication. You can learn how to be an effective communicator where it matters the most…in your life’s central relationship.

Communication Breakthrough gives you the communication skills needed to set the stage for greater intimacy and sexual fulfillment by:

Building relationship trust;

Clarifying your needs and sharing them effectively;

Nurturing empathy, mutual understanding, and deep listening;

Creating a foundation of emotional safety (that deep sense of security that emotionally grounds couples);

Raising awareness of how respect, mutual responsiveness, and gratitude foster moments of connection.

Emotional closeness is built upon the foundation of emotional safety. If you do not fully trust that you can share your deepest self with your partner, intimacy and fulfillment cannot be fully realized. Whether conscious of it or not, couples who are emotionally connected to each other and have a satisfying sex life also feel deeply secure with one another.

The primary goal of the Communication Breakthrough is to help you and your partner create an atmosphere of emotional safety and connection, which is the only atmosphere where intimacy (sexual and emotional) can flourish.

To help you and your partner make effective communication a regular part of your relationship, I break down the essential ingredients of effective communication into an easy-to-use ABC blueprint:

The ABCs of effective speaking, and the ABCs of effective listening.

The goal is to make the essential elements of communication easy to remember and therefore, easy to use. 

There are dozens of exercises and questions throughout the e-book (the same exercises I use with the couples I see in therapy) to help you personalize the experience and to make effective ways to communicate a habitual part of your relationship.

In addition to highlights from my two decades of experience working with individuals and couples seeking greater emotional and sexual intimacy, Communication Breakthrough also includes the latest research about how to foster experiences of emotional closeness and relationship satisfaction.

Many couples seeking to improve intimacy (or to jump-start what has become a passionless marriage) make the mistake of only looking at what happens in the bedroom, rather than widening the lens to look at the overall communication dynamic of their relationship in general.

Communication Breakthrough is your wide lens!

Attention to sexual technique cannot make a difference until your partner feels seen, heard, and understood.

You’ll also receive the following bonus reports at no additional cost:

Bonus #1

Why Men Cheat: Affair Proofing Your Relationship

Bonus #2

Deeper Intimacy: Why Emotional Presence is Essential

 

Are you ready to make good communication a priority in your relationship?

Own your copy of Communication Breakthrough!

Cost: $8.95

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Wishing you and your relationship all the best!

Dr. Rich Nicastro