7 Days to a Steamy Sex Life: Embrace Your Daring Side

steamy sex

“Javier and I were at home watching a movie one night,” Monica said, “and there was a racy scene in it. A really racy scene.”

Javier cleared his throat. He and Monica had been married for eight years and had twin daughters, age four.

“So anyway,” Monica went on, smirking, “on-screen the actors were really getting into it, doing stuff Javier and I have never done. Heavy necking and wild groping in a moving elevator, for example. Sex on a boardroom table in an office building after-hours. And the whole time this steamy sex is playing out in the movie, Javier is next to me, squirming, and I can’t tell if it’s because he’s turned on or embarrassed…or because he’s disappointed that we could never be those actors.”

“We can be those actors, though,” Javier said. Monica turned to him and quirked a brow.

“I mean, I’ll never be six feet tall,” he added hastily.

“And I’ll never be a size two,” she said, grabbing his hand and smiling.

“But we can be more daring…that way,” Javier said, with equal parts sheepishness and confidence.

“Javy, really? Whenever we’re out and I try something…you know, racy, you’re always so worried about people seeing us.”

A big grin took over his face. “And that’s part of what’s hot about it. That we might get caught.”

Can You Be a More Daring Lover?

“So we know we want a better sex life,” Monica said. “But do you think people can become more daring?” she asked me hopefully.

“I do,” I answered. “As with anything we want to do or become—more physically fit, for example, or more knowledgeable about a particular subject, or more peaceful—it starts with a decision.”

“And then what?” they asked in unison.

“There’s no one-size-fits all approach to anything when it comes to relationships,” I said as they nodded, “but let’s look at a suggestion for how you might incorporate the decision to add a bit of daring to your sex life.”

[Note: I’m presenting these suggestions using the structure of a calendar week, but you don’t need to adhere to that if it doesn’t work for you. There are no hard-and-fast rules here. Rather, you might need to spend a few days deciding, for example, and you might prefer to watch before you imagine. So don’t look at this as a prescription…it’s meant to be a loose template to which you can add your own inspiration. Go at your own pace.]

7 Days to a Steamy Sex Life

Day One: Decide

The decision to bring some daring-ness into your relationship obviously needs to be a mutual decision. (This is not the case with all decisions made within the relationship. For instance, if you decide you want to fight less, your partner doesn’t necessarily need to make that decision as well. You would just walk off [literally or metaphorically] the proverbial battlefield when a fight starts up. It’s no longer a battlefield with only one person standing there.)

Let’s say you decide some discreet fondling in a darkened movie theater is daring, and your mate sees that as wholly inappropriate. Then clearly that particular approach will not work for the two of you, no matter how much you might envision it as spicy.

The first step in embracing your daring side is to come together as a couple and decide that indeed that is what you both want to do. You don’t need to worry about the specifics at that point. The mutual decision is what’s important here.

Day Two: Imagine

You’ve probably heard that you have to first “see it to be it.” This is precisely the reason why athletes envision themselves succeeding in their sport, right down to vivid details. This cerebral engagement is just as important as their physical workouts and practices. So allow yourself some quiet, undistracted moments to imagine what daring might look like in your sex life. Don’t censor yourself in any way—just let your mind wander and give yourself permission to discover what excites you in your imagination.

Something that can jumpstart your imagination is the act of reading. Find some erotic fiction and a quiet spot and dive in. Reading is an active endeavor when it comes to imagining (unlike watching TV or movies, which is more on the passive end of the spectrum). This means that reading causes you to imagine yourself in the scene; it also requires you to create mental images…even if the scene is vividly described on the page, your brain still must translate the words to images (not so with movies, where the images are already there).

At first, imagine on your own, without your partner nearby. There will be time later for the two of you to compare notes.

Day Three: Experience vicariously

Notice how the movie that Javier and Monica were watching brought up this entire discussion between them. That’s because watching someone doing something—especially something that you might secretly want to do—can be a powerful experience. The movie they watched wasn’t an erotic film per se, though it included scenes that they called “racy.”

It’s your turn—whether you choose something meant to be erotic through-and-through or something to watch that gets you heated up during a couple of scenes, the point is to try it. You may want to at first do this alone (or you might be so focused on your partner’s reactions that you miss your own), though at some point watching steamy things as a couple can be a turn-on and a form of foreplay.

steamy sex lifeWhen you watch someone on-screen, you are automatically putting yourself in that role and imagining how you would feel if you were in the same place (this happens so quickly and subconsciously that you may not even be aware of it). So you will be experiencing the daring erotica, but in a vicarious way, one step removed.

If you haven’t watched anything of this genre before, you might feel apprehensive or self-conscious at first. Try to acknowledge this while not letting it stop you. It may turn out that erotica is just not for you—there’s nothing wrong with that if that’s the case, and it certainly wouldn’t mean you couldn’t enjoy daring erotic play with your lover—but you at least want to give yourself permission to explore.

Day Four: Share

Come together as a couple and share how you felt while imagining and experiencing vicariously. You may have heard that the most powerful sex organ is the one between your ears. It’s true that mental stimulation is often a powerful precursor to physical stimulation. Indeed, some people say they can’t get turned on at all if their minds aren’t involved. So the act of the two of you sharing your thoughts and feelings during your separate imaginings and reading/watching can lead to intimate moments all on their own.

You might even read aloud some of the things you read on your own. Many couples cite that as an effective and exciting means of foreplay, sexual engagement, and inspiration.

Check in with your partner. Do the two of you want to continue your racy exploration? Have either of you changed your minds about the decision you made on Day One? How do you feel about the intimacy level between you?

Day Five: Try

Remember that going at your own pace doesn’t mean you shouldn’t challenge yourself to step out of your comfort zone. Anything in life that results in growth or expansion will require you to step past the current edge of what’s comfortable for you (and achieving a better sex life is no example). With that said, though, you will need to identify your non-negotiable boundaries (which are different from the edge of your comfort zone). And you are the only one qualified to identify those not-to-be-crossed boundaries.

With that said, it’s up to you if and when you’d like to take some tentative steps toward your audaciously bold side. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, either. The point is to introduce your everyday self to your daring self.

Trying can mean that you and your partner put something into motion that you’ve shared. Or it can mean that you try something on your own and report back to your mate. For instance:

“At first I was embarrassed,” Pilar said. “I was sure someone I knew from work would see me in the ‘adult entertainment shop.’ And what could I say? I certainly couldn’t pretend I was there to pick up milk!”

Pilar and Trey had been married for fourteen years and both agreed they had a solid marriage, but they wanted to spice up their sex life. So Pilar decided to check out an erotica store she’d driven past a thousand times but hadn’t thought of until she and Trey decided to see things differently.

“I felt like I was on a re-con mission,” she said, giggling. “I hadn’t told Trey about it ahead of time. I texted him with a pic of the place and guess where I am? when I was in the parking lot, and he got so turned on! He said he would’ve left work just then to meet me there if he hadn’t had a meeting in ten minutes, one he was running. So that gave me more confidence to step in.”

“And it was nothing like I imagined,” she reported. “I guess I thought it would be seedy or grimy or something. But it was clean and bright and there were regular-looking people in there. And I realized if I did bump into someone from work, they’d probably be just as sheepish and just as worried about what I would think!”

Pilar browsed, sending Trey “naughty, teasing little texts” until he had to go to his meeting. “Hah, I’ll bet he was super-distracted.” She laughed. She checked out the private rooms in the back where people could watch movies. “But my real stroke of genius,” she reported, “was when I took a slinky teddy into the fitting room, tried it on, and sent a picture of me in it to Trey. It blew his mind.”

The “re-con mission,” as Pilar called it, was a form of trying it out. She went from imagining to trying something, and, in the process, pushed back the edge of her comfort zone. “And the best part is,” she said, “Trey and I have plans to go there this weekend, together. Not only is he going to buy that teddy for me, he said, but he also wants us to spend time in one of those back rooms.” She paused and grinned. “I know they’re supposed to be just for movie-viewing, but who knows what might happen?”

Day Six: Debrief

Come together and discuss what the above experimentation was like for each of you. Talk about what worked, what didn’t, what you’d like to do more of, what you’d like to do less of, what you’d like to work up to.

Most of all, remember to laugh and take this lightly. There’s nothing that kills erotic exploration more than taking it too seriously or constraining yourselves with “shoulds.” Have fun with this (and every step). If you’re not having fun, stop.

Day Seven: Re-imagine and plan

Impulsivity can be a turn-on in its own right, so you don’t want to take that away by over-planning your next move. But the reality of modern life is such that some planning is necessary (even in the arena of the risqué), or it might not happen.

Now that you’ve dipped a toe in the water of daring, re-imagine you and your partner engaging in the kind of erotic play you might not have before the thoughts and events of this week.

Above all, have fun and be respectful of yourself and your partner, and remember that your sex life, like your relationship itself, is dynamic and constantly evolving. So revisit these steps with your mate to reassess how things are working for each of you on a regular basis. Also, things will naturally vary across time—there will be periods where you’ll prefer less daring/more familiar sex, and others where you might want to ramp up the daring and add a dash of the unknown.

So if ‘spice up my sex life’ is an item on your bucket list, have a good time exploring the directions you might take. Here’s to your relationship, whatever flavor and tempo and heat level you decide to enjoy!

Wishing you and your partner a steamy sex life!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

(Featured images: Matches Burning” by Danilo Rizzuti and “Tired Couple” by Imagerymajestic/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)