5 Sex Tips to Spice Up Your Marriage

Spice Up Your Marriage

As a relationship matures and evolves over time, sex (and sexual intimacy) will bounce around on a couple’s priority list. At times, sex will exist in the foreground of your union where it is experienced as a vital part of the overall marriage or relationship; while at other times, sex may recede into the background, a remnant of a more exciting time in your relationship and something you’ll get to when the “time is right.” In these instances, it’s important to understand the conditions that might contribute to sex falling off the relationship radar, especially if there is any negative fallout as a result.

A frequent occurrence for many of the couples I work with is a reduction in the frequency of sex—at times this reduced frequency works perfectly fine for the couple, but for some couples, one or both partners may yearn for greater sexual intimacy and feel dissatisfied with the relationship because of a lack of sex. For those of you who struggle to make sex a more rewarding part of your relationship, it’s important to know that you are not alone in these struggles.

Let’s now turn our attention to how to spice up your marriage/relationship.

5 Sex Tips to Spice Up Your Marriage or Relationship

1) Make each other feel desired outside of the bedroom

I’ve said it before and it’s worth repeating: a strong sexual foundation starts with making each other feel wanted and desired on all relationship fronts (not just sexually). When you feel like you matter to your partner; when your spouse’s/partner’s desire to be with you is palpable; when it’s obvious you want to spend time together because you enjoy one another; all these shared wants and desires converge into a desire for sexual intimacy and expression.

A rule of thumb: If you’ve said two words to each other all day, if you’ve shown more interest in your iPhone than in your partner, if you’ve spent most of your time together complaining about each other’s shortcomings, don’t expect sexual sparks to fly later that evening.

2) Healthy boundaries are sexy

Yes, even couples who are emotionally close and experience deep moments of connectedness have clear boundaries. And in fact, an argument can be made that intimacy rests squarely upon a foundation of healthy boundary-setting. Boundaries help us differentiate and nurture our individualities (our separate sense of self) and this allows us to come to the relationship table with a richer and multi-dimensional identity.

When couples lose themselves within the relationship, when they give up their sense of agency and individual interests, an emotional blurring and enmeshment occurs that can stifle erotic desire and sexual intimacy. Remember, emotional contact (intimacy) can only occur when a certain level of separateness exists between you and your partner.

3) Save the mind-reading for the psychics

Too many couples fail to check in with one another about their sexual likes/dislikes, what’s working sexually and what’s not working, and what sexual adventures you’d each like to embark upon. Rather then engaging on a life-long journey and self- and other-discovery, couples often assume they know each other completely (both in and out of the bedroom). When this occurs, communication falters since checking in periodically about each other’s sexual desires and longings isn’t deemed necessary (note: if we never really fully know ourselves, how can another completely know us?).

For some individuals, it’s a blow to their egos to acknowledge that they don’t possess full and complete knowledge of their loved one. To assume you completely know the other is based upon the implicit assumption that the other is a static, one-dimensional individual who will never change and evolve—so what was known ten years ago or even yesterday is believed to accurately capture what exists in the present moment. While possessing (or thinking we possess) a complete picture of our partner gives us a greater sense of security, this belief can also blind us to the rich and yet-to-be-discovered tapestry of one another’s sexual desires and unmet longings.

4) Get out of your head and into your body

It’s easy to stand in your own way when it comes to sex. Hang-ups, fears, inadequacies and sexual insecurities, as well as being overly concerned about your partner’s sexual experience can all pull you away from your body’s reactions, physical experiences that are continuously unfolding in the present moment. For sensory/bodily-based experiences to register and be experienced as pleasurable, you need to trust your body’s experience and not interfere with it.

While it’s important to check in and ask questions of your lover from time to time (feedback is needed to positively shape the sexual experience), it’s just as important to “let go” of yourself (and any self-consciousness) so that you can surrender to your body’s experience of sexual pleasure.

5) Create and protect a sexual playground

Some people seem to have an unwavering sex drive that can withstand the stresses and onslaughts of life—in other words, their libido remains intact despite the pressures of life or the struggles inherent to their marriage/relationship. For many, however, sexual desire isn’t so tenacious and enduring. For these individuals and couples, conditions must be set up that protect and nurture sexual desire—without efforts to protect the sexual part of your relationship, sexual activity and intimacy can easily atrophy and become nonexistent.

When you fail to create a time and space that allows for sex, sex becomes a challenging experience, a form of labor that requires increasing effort with little in the way of emotional fulfillment. When sex becomes work with little payoff, the motivation to connect sexually fades and couples end up rarely initiating sex.

As with any suggestions about how to sexually spice up a relationship, your mindset is key to making positive changes a reality. A mindset of openness, one that nurtures an atmosphere of sexual adventure and self-other acceptance will go a long way in helping you and your partner make beneficial changes that can lead you to a fulfilling sex life.

(Featured [top] image Couple Kissing & Playing on Bed” — FreeDigitalPhotos.net)